


The letter

by WhatTheCheese



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Blood, Character Death, F/M, Mental Health Issues, One-Sided Attraction, Pidge Angst Bang 2020, Suicide, Suicide Notes, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:27:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27937207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatTheCheese/pseuds/WhatTheCheese
Summary: While sensing something is wrong with Lance, Pidge reminisces important moments of her relationship with him. Finding him shocks her, but reading what he left her and only her, breaks her completely.
Relationships: Lance/Pidge | Katie Holt
Comments: 4
Kudos: 19
Collections: Pidge Angst Bang





	The letter

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo this is finally it. I had so much fun creating this for the Pidge Angst Bang 2020. Well I didn't have fun letting Lance die and making Pidge suffer so much...but you know what I mean. 
> 
> Check out the awesome art that belongs to this fic by doodleplixel: [Pidge reading the letter and crying](https://doodlelight.tumblr.com/post/636855940357963776)
> 
> Also many many thanks to my awesome beta reader Rosie! Thank you so much for putting up with my grammar and spelling mistakes lol
> 
> Happy suffering

Even though she never expected it to happen, she knew the exact moment it did.  
It had been a normal night. It was late and everyone spent it in their own room. Katie, of course, spent the time she had working on her computer. She was feeling a little bit tired but being her, that didn’t stop her at all. She knew Hunk and Lance would scold her, force her to sleep. Looking up from her keyboard, her mind went to Lance. Warmth spreaded on her cheeks whenever she thought of him. She would have loved to play video games with him, but it had been a long day and unlike her, he needed his sleep.  
Suddenly, she shut her eyes, distorting her face in discomfort. Her hand moved to brace herself against the wall, and she bent over slightly, her breathing uneven.There was an intense pain in her chest, like someone stabbed her, and she had first hand experience with that..When she’d first felt it, she didn't know what it was or where it came from. At first, she thought that it was just some random pain, as it went away as fast as it appeared.  
But it felt...off. Not just pure pain, there was something else mixed in. Something intimidating. Was it fear? Sadness? Maybe a bit of both. Either way, it didn't make it better in the slightest. She didn't know what it was, but she knew that she had to find out.  
Something bad had happened and Katie was scared to death to find out what it was. She doesn’t know why she’s so sure of herself, , she was never the type of person to 'have a feeling' or a 'premonition', let alone believe them. She was a rational person,relying on facts and the concepts she knew and could prove.. Figures and equations was what she was good at, what she excelled at. Everybody knew that. But she also could be very emotional, like now. And she wished she wasn't.

She closed her laptop and stepped out of her room into the hallway. No one here. She closed her eyes and listened. Nothing, not one sound. With a glance on her watch she knew why, it was around 2 am.  
Wow, had she really been working that long? She got so used to it she didn't even notice it anymore. With only the sound of her bare feet on the floor, she made her way to Lance's room, something she always did when she was feeling unwell, sad or just bored really. He always managed to make her feel good and secure. And right now she hoped he would just hug her and say that everything was okay, that she had no reason to worry.

Katie didn't know what to do. She didn't know how to feel. Well, that happened fairly often, but whenever it happened, she hated it with all her guts. She always thought of herself to be a person who knew what she was doing, who knew how to do things. But now she felt like she wasn’t able to do anything. And why was she in this state? She finally had a lead on her brother and father and it led to absolutely nothing. All she knew was that they were alive but still in space, probably prisoners of some Galra commander.  
She chuckled dryly. Space. It certainly wasn't what she expected, and not only in a good way. She hugged her knees to her chest, resting her head on top. The cold of the bridge floor sent shivers down her spine but she barely noticed..  
Why was her life this way? Why was it that her brother and father were captured in quiznaking space and it was up to her to find them? If it had been the other way around, they would have found her in no time. She was smart, no doubt about that, but this was something you couldn't do with just one trait. Now she knew how she felt. Completely useless.Great, was she crying now?

Suddenly, she heard the automatic door open and close. Her head shot up, but she didn't say anything and didn't move to investigate further. Whoever it was, they would hopefully go away.  
„Pidge? Are you there?“ Her heart skipped a beat. It was Lance. Not entirely unexpected, but not the person she would have expected the most. She closed her eyes and prayed that he eventually would go away. Of course, he didn't.  
Instead of hearing his footsteps going further away, she heard them coming closer and closer until they stop right before her „Are your eyes closed because you don't want to see me or because you're sleeping?“, he asked, in his usual cheeky tone.  
Oh how she loved and hated it at the same time. It really was an impressive talent of his, she had to admit. She shut her eyes even more, if that was possible. She could feel him standing right next to her. He wasn't gonna give up, was he?  
„I'm not leaving until you talk to me. Something's clearly not okay.“  
She knew it. And she knew he was persistent, so the only way to get out of this would be to tell him something. But hey, what was there to lose? Maybe talking about it would help.  
„Fine“, she said, her voice a bit raspy, probably from the crying. She opened her eyes, which had to be swollen and red, so she couldn't even deny that she had been crying. She saw his features soften and that the smile she presumed he had worn before had turned into a frown.  
He sat down right beside her, he came so close their shoulders were touching. She would have made a remark about personal space, but she didn't. She actually didn't mind it. He provided a certain warmth that was oh so welcome right now.  
„All right“, he started with a sigh. „I know you're probably asking yourself why I'm here“, he then said and Katie had the urge to roll her eyes at his annoying skill to read minds.  
„Hunk knew that something was wrong and sent you after me?“, she guessed, her expression deadly serious.  
„Noo!“, he exclaimed, immediately, followed by a pause, in which she remained blankly staring at him. He couldn't withstand it for long, no one could.  
„..Yes“, he blurted out ,, looking sheepishly down to hide his face from Katie for a few seconds. „But not exactly. We all knew what happened and that you probably want to be alone. But I..I wanted to check on you. It has been hours. And Hunk suggested I should go...Well here I am.“  
He looked up, smiling hesitantly. . She liked his smile. It made her smile as well, even though she definitely hadn't felt like it before he was there.  
Sighing, she took a deep breath. “Are you sure you want to deal with all my crap? I’m kinda a mess right now.”  
Lance turned expectantly. “Lay it all on me, I’m all ears.”  
„I feel like a complete failure. I...I'm in quiznaking space, I'm this close to find my brother and father and...I missed them.“ She heard and felt her voice going shaky, mentally cursing herself for it.  
She already cried, and she didn't want to do it in front of Lance. None of the other Paladins and Allura had ever seen her cry, not even Hunk. She would like it to stay that way, but her body had decided otherwise. Nothing she did couldn stop the tears from falling, and so she let it happen, finding her voice again., „I..I was so sure of myself that once I'm in space, I would find them. That I'm strong enough, smart enough. But apparently not? I don't know how I could fail this hard...Guess I'm not as smart as everyone thought I am...or as I thought...“, her voice got quieter and quieter as she rambled on, causing Lance to lean in closer to hear her properly.The tears were full-on flowing and she didn't care anymore. It was too late anyway.  
Suddenly, she felt something warm over her shoulders.His arm, she realized as he pulls her against him.. She looked at him, the tears blurring her view, but she could still see his frown and the softness in his eyes.  
„May I?“, he asked, his voice just as kind as his eyes.  
She merely nodded, flinching a bit as she felt the hand that wasn't on her shoulder gently wipe away a tear.  
„Better“, he said, in the same voice.  
She never heard him like this, saw him like this. That wasn't the goofy and overly confident Lance she knew. Of course he was never rough or rude, but still, she had never seen him so gentle before, so caring. Maybe it was because they were alone, but he didn't care. She was surprised by it, but it was a good surprise, one that she loved. .  
„I know that feeling, trust me. And it's okay to feel like that. You're allowed to hurt. But you have to get back up, you know? Space is big.“ He chuckled bitterly. „Jesus it really is. So yeah, we didn't find your brother and father today. But isn't it incredible that you got so damn close in the first place? We'll find them. And yes I said 'we' because you have to remember that you're not in this alone. But you're gonna take us there because you're literally the smartest person in the whole universe.“  
She looked up at him, as if she was looking for confirmation. He gave it by nodding, now a firmness in his eyes.  
„If someone can pull this off, you definitely can. Okay?“ She wiped another tear away.  
„Okay“, she said, unable to resist a smile, which made him smile back.  
„That's my girl. And remember, you can always talk to me when you're feeling down, understood?“

And then she heard it. A loud cry that cut through the silence like a knife. Katie switched from walking to running. It had sounded like Allura. Worry gnawed at her gut.  
When she arrived, she saw Allura standing before an open door. Wait...that was Lance's room. She turned her attention back to the princess. Allura didn't look good. Her eyes were as big as saucers and she was shivering. The pain returned to Katie's chest, causing her to double over momentarily. This couldn't be good. A thought, an idea of what happened came to her mind. no that couldn’t be. He was all right, wasn’t he? If he was struggling, he would have told her….Right? They talked about everything, they comforted each other when the other was sad, angry or anything but fine really. Her eyes flick down, and she saw the red stream of blood on the floor, making its way into the hallway. For a second, she stood absolutely still, unable to move. Her whole body was numb and yet felt like it was vibrating. Her brain screamed at her to move! Lance was in trouble and he needed help. .

In a matter of seconds, the others were there, rushing into Lance's room. As soon as they got to the door, they stopped, wide eyed and going pale. Then they stormed inside, calling Lance's name over and over. Katie didn't want to look to confirm her fear. But she knew she had to. So she moved, every inch of her body still numb and fuzzy.  
“Pidge…”, Allura said, her voice raspy and barely audible.  
Even though Katie now definitely knew what she would see, she turned her head and looked inside the room.

The stream of blood led to Lance who laid on the floor, surrounded by Hunk, Keith and Shiro. Hunk cradled him in his strong arms, blocking her view. All she could see was one of his arms, the brown skin much paler than usual.  
”I-I-is he…”, she asked with a shaky voice, even though she already knew the answer.  
The guys looked at her, tears in their eyes and shock on their faces. Hunk nodded, tears freely streaming down his cheeks. She slowly walked towards the body, Lance's body, the others giving her space. She felt Shiro's real hand on her shoulder as she stood right before him. She looked up at him, maybe looking for answers she knew he couldn't give her. He just nodded, as if he wanted to tell her that it's okay to look. That they would be right there with her if she decided to look.

So she did. And what she saw broke her completely.

It was one of those nights again. A night in which Katie couldn't sleep. She hadn’t even been working, her usual distraction from catching some much needed Z’s/ She wanted to sleep, but she quiznaking couldn't. At least not for more than a few minutes before she would wake up, beads of sweat on her forehead and her eyes wide open.  
Her breathing was heavy as she looked around the room. She didn't know why she did that, there obviously wouldn’t be anyone else there. She looked at the time on her phone sighing. It was, of course, the middle of the night. With a sigh, she let her head sink back on the pillow. It wasn't unusual for her to not sleep and just drink copious amounts of coffee throughout the day, but she knew from experience that if she did that, the next night would be just as horrible. She couldn't help but feel like a little kid, completely helpless. When she was an actual kid, she often went into her brother Matt's room, asking if she could sleep in his bed with the biggest doe eyes so he could never refuse.

Well, she wasn't a kid anymore. Matt wasn't here because he was with the rebels once again. She could go to Hunk, he was like a big brother to her. But over time, he hadn't been the only person who could give her comfort when she was feeling down or anxious. Her mind wandered to another teammate, one who’d always been there for her.  
She had to admit that in the beginning, she and the rest of the team didn't pay that much attention to him, only because he didn't have that much knowledge in the scientific and technical side of their missions. But they quickly learned that he had other qualities.  
He was incredibly brave and good at strategies and, even though his bragging was annoying and she would never call him 'sharpshooter', his aim was impressive. And, what she especially found out recently, he could be extremely kind, trusting and comforting. He listened without judging and let her finish her craziest rambling to then tell her that everything was going to be okay. He took her into his arms and embraced her with a warmth that couldn't be replicated by anything or anyone else. 

And now, all she can think about is going to Lance.. So she got up and went to his room, the floor feeling icy on her bare feet. She pressed on the button to open the door. Of course the room was dark, since Lance, compared to her at least, had a normal sleep schedule. As her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she could see that he was indeed sleeping.  
She hesitated for a moment. She didn't want to wake him, but at the same time, she knew that she wouldn't get any sleep if she didn’t do this. As she got closer, she noticed another thing. He was wearing headphones. Not just any headphones, her headphones.  
Katie couldn't help but smile as she noticed this. She was wondering when she would get them back when she gave them to him, now she had her answer. He could keep them. She took a few more steps so that she was standing right in front of his sleeping form. Just when she was about to tap him on the shoulder to wake him, his eyes suddenly opened, looking right into hers. She jumped a little and took a step back, realizing how creepy this might come across.  
But before she could say anything, he took the headphones off.. „Like watching me sleep?“ He asked with a growing smile.  
Katie was perplexed. She wanted to laugh, but couldn't. „I...“, the words died in her throat. There was nothing she could say that would make this less awkward. But she could still try. She looked at him. What she could see of his face was an expression that said something like „It's okay, I don't judge.“ It was an expression you could see often on his face.  
Seeing this look on his face, she relaxed a fair bit. That was one thing she loved about him, he made her feel calm and comfortable just by looking at her. “Now what is it Pidge?”, he asked, his voice still a bit raspy but somewhat silky smooth at the same time. Even though she was calmer now, she looked down at her feet, still a tiny bit embarrassed. “I...I can’t sleep. Can I sleep here? You know you make me feel calmer.” As she was still looking down, she couldn’t see him, but she heard a shuffling sound. Looking up, she saw that he had pushed away his blanket and opened his arms, ready for her to join him in his bed. He didn’t have to tell her twice, so she got in and snuggled into his warm body. He immediately embraced her and gently stroked her back with one hand. “You know that you can always come here, right?”, he whispered into her ear. Katie hesitated, but nodded eventually. He made a pleased sound. “Atta girl. Good night Katie.”  
No. This had to be a nightmare. This couldn’t be Lance, a dead Lance...But she knew, no matter how much she blinked or pinched herself, he would still be lying there in Hunk’s arms. His caramel brown skin was about five shades paler. His face looked worn out, with dark bags under his eyes. He probably hadn’t been sleeping well at all before. And not to mention his arm...the blood on the floor came from a deep, long cut that went across his entire left forearm. Katie simply couldn’t wrap her head around this. All those hours they’d spent talking…She knew he struggled with insecurities and self doubt, but she had always managed to talk him out of beating himself up, to cheer him up. Tears swelled up in her eyes as she knelt down before him, shakily stroking through his hair. Was it her fault? Was she not enough? She shook her head. No, if she knew he had this intention she would have been able to talk him out of this. But there was the problem, she didn’t know. No one knew.  
About an hour had passed. They had taken care of Lance’s body by putting him in the infirmary. Katie knew she couldn’t set one foot in there, since looking at him just one more time would hurt way too much. Instead, she sat in front of it, on the floor beside the door. She could do nothing but just sitting there, staring into nothingness. Her head was still spinning, unable to form a clear thought. After what felt like several hours, she heard footsteps approaching. For a split second, she thought it was Lance, as it was his style to approach her like this when she actually didn’t want to be found. But she quickly corrected herself. It wasn’t him. It would never be him again. It was Hunk. She looked up at him. His eyes were red and swollen, just like hers had to look like. Without an exchanged word, he sank down beside her and she leaned her head against his broad shoulder. They spent about ten minutes like this, not saying anything, just comforting each other silently. Then, Katie’s eyes dropped down to Hunk’s hands. She hadn’t noticed it earlier, but he held two envelopes in his hands. One was opened, the other was still closed. Her heart dropped a bit. She had an idea what those were, but she wondered why there were two and not just one.  
“What are those?”, she asked, pointing at the envelopes. Hunk let out a deep sigh filled with sorrow.  
“It’s his..you know...letters. His last notes.” Even though Katie already had the suspicion what they would be, she was overwhelmed by knowing that. Scared of what she would read, if she wanted to read them at all.  
“Why is one open and the other is not?” With another sigh, he held out the unopened one. Her eyes widened when she read her name on it. With a shaky hand, she took it. “Did he leave a separate one for each of us?”  
Hunk shook his head. “No, he just left two. One for Keith, Shiro, Allura, Coran and me and one for..you."  
She tilted her head in confusion. Why was there a separate one for her? There wasn't a thing he could say about the others he couldn't say about her. Was there? Sure, they were close, but close enough for something like that? She would have expected for Allura getting her own letter, considering the feelings Lance once had for her.  
"You wanna read it?", Hunk suddenly asked, ripping her out of her thoughts. She looked up at him with empty eyes. She had not realized she had been staring at the letter without taking it from her friend or opening it.  
"Uh…", she stammered, being torn between answers. On one hand, she obviously wanted to say yes, it was the freaking suicide note of her best friend after all, written just for her. But on the other hand… She was scared of reading it. Scared of what words her eyes would find. Would he explain why he did it? She hoped so, even though she knew something like this could be difficult, if not impossible to explain. Maybe he thanked her for the years of friendship, but confessed that it wasn't enough for him to stick around. She mentally shook her head. This couldn't be the only reason. It was not her fault. She knew she would have to remind her of that a couple more times when finally reading the note.  
Eventually, she took the envelope from her friend's hands. It was the last thing she'd ever see from Lance, so she couldn't possibly ignore it. She would regret it forever. But still, Katie was hesitating, just looking at the still unopened envelope in her shaky hands.  
"Do you want to be alone? ", Hunk asked, though the worry was clear in his voice  
Katie just nodded, her eyes never leaving the letter. Silently, her friend got up and left, taking his warmth with him. . Warmth… It made her think of Lance.  
Honestly, right now? There wasn't a single thing that didn't make their think of Lance. And she knew, deep down, that would never go away..Just like the horror, shock, pain and grief, that were overwhelming her senses. Maybe time would dull the ache, but it wouldn’t get rid of the wound.  
She took a deep breath. She could do this. She had to do this. Hands trembling, she ripped open the envelope and took out the letter. There were two pages, folded in half. She could already see that there were lots of words packed on the small pieces of paper. She knew Lance’s handwriting, so she hoped she could read this properly. She unfolded the pages and began to read.

Lance comforted Katie a hundred times, but that didn’t mean Katie did nothing for him. Like this one time. When Lance’s crush on Allura had resurfaced when Lotor came around. He seemed hurt, like a puppy that had been kicked. Hunk and Katie even made fun of him for being so distracted, but deep down, Katie felt bad for him. Even though her and Hunk liked to poke fun at him eventually, seeing him down like this hurt. For several reasons, actually. For one because she couldn’t bear seeing him like this, but also because she knew the feeling of knowing your feelings weren’t reciprocated. She had just gotten the proof that that was the case with her and Lance, since he obviously had feelings for Allura again. It surprised her to be honest, since he had seemed to be over her, but at the same time, it wasn’t surprising at all. She was the definition of beautiful and kindness and intelligence. No wonder Lance fell for her the moment she fell out the healing tank.  
She didn't know if it were real feelings or a crush she had on Lance, but deep down, she wished that Lance would be just as excited to spend time with her, to talk or cuddle with her as she was to do these things with him. Nevertheless, he needed words of comfort right now and she would give them to him, even though it hurt a little bit.  
When she found him in the lounge, it was an adorable sight. He sat on the couch, but not alone, since the mice were also there, curled up and sleeping on his stomach. Once he noticed her presence, he looked up, meeting her gaze. His eyes were a bit shiny and sad looking, but his lips showed the tiniest smile. Katie liked to think he smiled because she was there. His presence always made her smile. “Hey Pidge. What’s up? Thought of new jokes you can tease me with?”, he asked as she approached him and hearing him talk like that hurt like a blade to the heart. "I'm sorry Lance, I know it was stupid of me and Hunk to tease you like this, I… Do you want me to go?" He shook his head. "No… Actually I'd like the company. You know of someone human." With a relieved smile, she sat down next to him. A few moments of silence followed, unclear if it was an awkward one or if it was just normal silence. 

"You know… You're allowed to sulk a bit, but you shouldn't let it consume you", Katie then said, and even though she was looking down, she could sense him looking at her. Not staring, just looking with wondrous eyes. " Without waiting for a reply or question what she meant, she continued: "It's never been a secret you have a thing for her. And who knows if she really has something going with Lotor? Again, so sorry about making these stupid jokes." Her hand subconsciously touched his arm, hoping it would provide some comfort. "But please don't think you're not good enough or not worthy or anything like that. Because it's not true. You are smart and kind and funny and brave and you care so much, you know that? I mean sure I call you goofball and I hit you sometimes but…"  
She was interrupted by his hand taking her hand which was just touching his arm. Great, she was rambling again." Sorry I'm really not good at comforting people. " He shook his head again and chuckled, embracing her in his warmth."It's okay Pidge. I feel much better. Thank you." 

The letter read:  
Dear Pidge, Pidgeon, Katie,  
First of all, I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. If you're reading this, it means I'm gone. I know you all ask yourself why. I don't know if I can't or don't want to explain it, but fact is I'm dead. And I hope I'll feel better.  
I know what you think, but no one of you is responsible for this but me. Especially not you, Pidge. Katie. Even though you love to make fun of me, you're the one I could always count on. I love you.  
Please Katie, please carry on. Don't let the grief consume you. It's what I wanted. Maybe finally, I'm not the second choice.  
With tears streaming down her face and blurring her view, she put the letter down.  
"You were my first."


End file.
